Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.
On Friday I experienced some discharge and cramping but didn't think nothing of it. I knew I was pregnant and the symptoms were going away but I contributed it to my hormones fluctuating.
Saturday morning it had gotten worse, but I still was telling myself ok, this is normal. I called my OB-GYN. She refused to bring me in because I didn't have my first pre-natal appointment. (In Delaware when I was pregnant with K, I was seen well before my first pre-natal appointment so this upset me because I knew something was wrong off the bat).
By Saturday night I experience more discharge, pink/red and in the hospital.
I had a black midwife and felt safe. She stated that the baby's heart-rate was low, and she wasn't worried because my cervix was closed although she couldn't tell me why I was bleeding. Sent me home.
By Sunday I was bleeding every time I wiped. I went to a different hospital for a second opinion. By the time I checked in, I just knew.
The ED on-call called my OB and again, instead of scanning me/doing an ultrasound she stated
"Don't bother redoing scans because we're bringing her in tomorrow."
By Tuesday, I had a miscarriage. It felt like I was in labor all over again. I spent a lot of time angry at my OB, again at God, angry that my friends at the time were NOT supportive. I went through so many stages of grief. This is my second pregnancy loss. To this day I blame myself for both, especially my first one. The second one hit me just as hard because I felt so ready to become a mother again; and I felt so alone. Now, I feel as if I cannot carry anymore children after Kinsley, and that is something I desperately want to give, her a sibling.
I've been so busy lately I haven't had much time to grieve ; but I think God doesn't want me to be sad. He is holding my babies in his arms.
I am 1 in 4 and I share my story to let others know that you are not alone.